The only thing I obsessed over more than my comparative performance (Was his grasp of nuclear physics progressing faster than mine? Did she really solve Putnik’s weekly problem entirely on her own? How on Earth did he nab a fellowship with NASA?) was whether this competition made itself felt as urgently, or at all, in the minds of my friends. Their every gesture, utterance, and decision—even their absences!— seemed to hint (doubtfully, possibly, probably) at some petty calculus of domination, at an invisible unspoken war I was always losing.

I wrote about Rush, my memories of college, and the dangers of ambition for The Believer. (2020)